I am Me
by star-siren
Summary: It's a strange one...a twisted narrator, a stoned audience...what do you think hm?) Just whipping anything out until I can get back into my writings ;;


A lone figure sat at the edge of the cliff, watching the sunset paint the sky in hue of fiery flames.  Nine figures stood behind her, watching her silently.  The silence was deafening as the wind played with their hair, the light painting their complexion in bold shades of ocher gold.  It was a solemn picture, boldly beautiful in the mourning aura that suffocated them all.

The air smelt sweet, light.  The sun kissed any bared skin gently, and a relaxed breeze blew forth good wishes.  Far away, children's laughter reigned, lovers' contentment murmured, and all was at peace.

But this was all lost to the ten figures, nine standing behind one girl, who watched the sky with tired eyes.  Nature's entire gift seemed lost to her, and when she finally spoke, her voice was soft, saddened.

Are you happy now?

The nine figures behind her gave a start, surprised that she had broken the silence.  They said nothing though, and she continued on.

Are you happy now, now that all can be just as you willed it?  Now that my future is gone, and yours shall come to pass?

Are you happy now, now that I am _dead_?

She ignored the startled gasps elicited from the others, and continued on quietly, speaking in the empty whisper that was her voice. 

He was killed, you know.  Killed before he had a chance.

All he wanted was to finally bring honor to his people, so that they could finally have the honor they deserved in life given to them in death.  He wanted to be able to look at himself in the mirror and know that he had appeased the spirits of his tribe, of his people.  But most of all, he wanted to avenge his mother, to beg for forgiveness, because he hadn't succeeded.

Don't believe what they tell you, what _you_ tell yourselves.  He _wanted_ to be loved, and to love in return…

But that was second priority.  It took second after avenging his people, clearing their names.  It took second to bringing honor to his friends, his people, his mother.

He saw only one way of clearing their names…

…Kill… 

Kill the man responsible for their deaths.  Kill the man who had scarred him so early in his youth, who had stolen his innocence from him, and shredded it in front of his horrified eyes.  Make him suffer, make him pay…make him _see_ that his sadistic fun was more than just a game…it was murder.

Murder of innocence, of people, of…life.

It was murder of the soul, of purity.  Of _faith_.

A tear dropped down her cheek, and she made no move to wipe it away.  Drawing in a deep breath, she slowly let it out, her eyes closing as more tears threatened to escape their confines.  She waited until she felt her voice was steady enough to speak again, before she continued on.

His eyes were blue, and his hair of sun-spun gold.  His lips were soft, his kisses, gentle and firm, loving and lustful…the perfect combination.

It did start off as lust, you know…at first.  He intrigued me…and I intrigued him…

He wanted me to continue on the legacy of his people, with my blonde hair and blue eyes—no one else had these traits where he served.  I wanted to warm the coldness he surrounded himself in, to take away his pain…to understand _him_.

I remained faithful to you, my Mamo-kun.  I remained faithful to you, to the future you all wanted.  I tried to remain faithful throughout the whole thing, but I couldn't, my heart _wouldn't_!  I was faithful in every way save one…While I was with you, he stealthily made his way into my heart…and in that sense, I betrayed you.  For while I was with you, another stole my heart.  But in the  most common sense of the word…I was faithful to you.  And when you, Mamoru, accused me of infidelity…

I realized with surprise that I didn't care…I didn't care that you didn't trust me…I didn't care…because I didn't love you…at least, not like that.  That was why I broke it off with you, you know.  Not because you didn't trust me, and not because I wanted to openly be with him—we weren't together then, but because I didn't _care_ for you like that, and Chibi-Usa should never have to go life with parents in a loveless marriage.

He understood that, and he stood by me.  At first, it was only for the comfort of each other's presense…he needed the warmth, the Light, the brightness that was my pure power…and I…I sought, no, _needed_, the coldness, the icy grip of his power…

Because it was what I wasn't….and what I wasn't was freedom…

What my light offered him, his darkness offered me the same…. escape from the constraints of destiny…escape to _freedom_…

Ahh….the sweet taste of freedom….that was why we were always together at first….we were both greedy, selfish…we both wanted, needed, _craved_ the sweet taste of freedom's fruits…

We both craved what we may never again have the chance of having….

I have to admit, his aura drew me to him as light draws darkness..

It was so…powerful, so cold…so….lost….yet…it was…confidence…

And that drove me crazy….that he could be so confident yet need me so much….it was….maddening…..but in a good way…his very being drove me mad with desire, with want…with the need to know…

_How could someone so confident, be so **lost**?_

In similar ways, I think I attracted him too…

After all…here he was, shrouded in darkness, and I arrive in light.  I was warmth, I was power……yet, I was _scared_…I was the sole wielder of such great power that a world could be reborn at my command…yet I was so _weak…_I was Light embodied, former princess, future queen, one of the most powerful soldiers of my world, yet I was a klutz, a ditz…I cried, I constantly ate, I hated to fight…

And it all intrigued him…how could a soldier hate to fight so much?  How could someone raised to be royalty, and the future ruler of a whole planet, be so ditzy, so clumsy?  How could someone so weak….have that much _power_?  But most of all, how could someone like _me_, still be alive?  I hate to kill….

And he scoffed at me.  Did I ever tell you how much he ridiculed me, and I him in return?

He said I was pathetic, that I didn't deserve that much power.  I told him he was cruel, and would never achieve his goal without a heart…

He said I would never gain your approval, because even then, I sought your approval of me….and I told him he would never gain his mother's forgiveness if he continued to manipulate and deceive….

It was strange, really…no matter how cruel we were with our words, we always sought each other out…No matter how mad we were at each other, in the end…we were always together.  

When we realized it, we didn't try to hide it.  We continued to inflict wounds with our words, seeking out each others companies afterwards…Eventually, our words quieted, and we merely sought out each other…speculation began, but we didn't give a damn.  That was one thing I always admired about him…he didn't give a goddamn thing about what others thought of him….

Behind the girl, the Senshi's eyes widened at her choice of words.  It was never like her before to use any sort of language that a mother would try to hide from her young child.

But she continued on, not noticing their reaction.

I think it was then that we began to realize it…I was falling for him, and he was falling for me…

And how we fell, in a seemingly endless spiral of love and happiness that we didn't want to ever end…

Of course, he was reluctant to do anything at first…he had his reputation to think about—and my safety.

But I but you didn't know he feared for my safety, did you?  He did…as general of Kutou, he had many enemies…and I would be seen as his weakness, the greatest way his enemy could hurt him was by hurting me…

And he didn't _want_ that.

So we were a secret, and he hoped to remain like that.

And then _you_ guys came into the picture.

A strangled chortle escaped Usagi's lips, and several of the Senshi behind her jumped in surprise at the sound.

You guys, my senshi, my guardians, the ones I thought would support me in anything I did, came into the picture.  I never dreamed you all would place the future before my happiness…never dreamed you would prefer a possible future where I only feigned to live life, and you all live a life of servitude, than one where I was truly happy…and you all, possibly free.

Free from the chains of destiny that bound you to me, free from the life of servitude where duty is so often placed before self…free to find _love_.

But you chose to go against me, after you found out.  Of course, I knew you would one day.  It's a pain to have the Senshi of Time as your guardian at times, you realize that, don't you?  It wasn't a real surprise when I found out you guys knew about us and had learned it from Setsuna…it was only a matter of time, after all.

But I _was_ surprised that you would condemn our relationship so strongly.  I knew not all of you would accept it…but all of you?

Usagi closed her eyes, shaking her head slowly.

You all wanted what you thought was a perfect Utopia to exist in the future…and so you never gave him a chance…gave _us_ a chance.

I can't understand why _you_, Minako, of all people would condemn us.  As senshi of Love and Beauty, you _must_ of known he was the one for me…that it was only through him that I would truly be at peace with myself…that I would truly be…happy_…loved_.

As Serenity did with Endymion, I was forced to secretly meet with him.  All our meetings, done in the secrecy of deceit…we wanted to be able to see each other openly…but how could we?  He could not, and I could not.  Neither of our homes, our dimensions, would let us.  Foolishly, I had cared about what you thought of the two of us…

That was my biggest mistake.  I cared what you thought of him…and I shall forever regret that.  If I hadn't allowed you all to influence me so, then I would have taken advantage of all the time he and I spent together…we would have openly seen each other in this dimension…I would not had hidden.

We would have spent so much more time together…could have made so much more memories…

But you all….you all prevented it.

Another tear dropped down, followed by another, and soon, she was openly weeping, her shoulders shaking and she tried to stifle the sound of her sobs.

Still, the nine figures stood behind her, still as statues, unsure what to think, how to react.

At last, she drew in a shuddering breath, and continued speaking with a shaky voice.

I still don't understand why, and I no longer care to.  You all are responsible for his death…and you kept me away from him at his final moment.

Did you know that I'm still getting over the surprise of your answer?  I know it was weeks ago, but I'm still trying to get past the surprise…how could you say no?  Hadn't I always helped you when I could?  And now, now when I ask you all for your help, to come with me, with _us_, to his world and help him, not to defeat Konan, but to allow him to survive the battle, then rid Kutou of the selfish coward who dares call himself its emperor, you refuse.

You never even _listened_ to our reasonings….to _us_….

And then you held me back, when I was to go with him…

Who knew the Senshi were so….conniving?

To use my own emotions against me…to use my own duty…the safety of the world….against me….to make me stay…

…such a low level I never would have believed you would have all stooped to, just to have me stay…

And when I still wanted to go…you force me to stay…lie to me, tell me that a battle will occur that day where I was needed…

You were right in that sense, you know….but you were wrong, dead wrong, about where the battle would take place.  

While I stayed here, foolishly waiting for a nonexistent battle to arrive, the true battle that would need my help occurred where he was, with _him_.  For my foolishness, my naivety, he died.  And why?

Because I had believed you guys…because I had _trusted_ you.

And when I had felt his death, felt myself die with him, you admitted it…

You all knew he would die…and had _lied_ to me!  To keep me here, you lied to me…and because of your actions…I shall never trust you again…shall never love again…..shall never _live_.  I shall never see him again…hear his voice, his laughter, his hidden admittance of his love….I shall never see his eyes, shining with a frigid warmth, shining with determination, with love, with….life…I shall never again feel the warmth from his body, the blanket of security only _he_ could provide for me.

And it is all your fault.

I felt it as he was dying…I tried to reach him, really, I did!  But how was I to know that you, you traitorous guardians, would keep me here?  Would go so far as to steal my crystal, my only form of reaching him…

That's treason, you know…to steal my crystal…I've still yet to decide your punishments for that…so many things I could do to you, execute you, revoke your powers, curse you into living a life of solitude, a life where each of you would find your soulmates, only to have them ripped away from you each time….yes, so many things…yet the ones I could bring myself to do, I couldn't, because it wouldn't cause you nearly enough pain…the only one I felt worthy was to curse you into lives of lonliness, knowing that you would always find your soulmates, but never would you be at peace with them, for they would be ripped from you just as you were truly content, as you had done to me…

… But I could not do that…because even though that was what you did to me….I couldn't bring myself to do it back to you….for then, you would go through what I am….you would live life without living, would lose all emotions save for that aching in your chest, that void you knew would never be filled again…would be forced to feel how your heart had been ripped out and shredded to billions of pieces, so small that they could not longer be seen, each and every day, with every breath you take, you would feel nothing but the worst pain, a pain that made you long for death, that made you _wish_ to die, to never feel, to have never have even been _able_ to feel!

The pain you have forced me to suffer…a pain so great, even my crystal weeps, as it can do nothing to appease it.  A pain so great that not even the gods will go through it…not unless they have lost the life within them…a pain so great…

It seems Destiny and Fate has taken pity upon me…for they have promised me a happy ending in the end, in the life after this, or the life after that, or the life after that…in the end, I have been promised to finally be at peace by his side…Yes, that is the magnitude of the pain you have forced onto me...

The pain is so great that, in order for my continued existence, Destiny and Fate had to offer me a happy ending with him in the end….and even then….I don't know…

Even then…it is not enough….for I need him _now_, and the end is far too long to wait.  I need him _now_, and I feel the pain now.  The end is too far away, and I fear by the time it comes, it will be too late.  I would then know hatred, would forget of love….

Did you know I am no longer the Messiah of Light?  Don't act so surprise now, you must of have had _some_ sort of idea…after all, how can I remain Light if my own light has died out…it died with _him_.

And I think I am beginning to know hatred now…the former Messiah of Light…knowing hatred…isn't that amusing?  That the one person who is not allowed to feel hate, should feel it towards the very people who were to protect her, who were to keep her from hating.

Usagi let out a bitter laugh.

Isn't it ironic?  That in trying to protect that perfect utopia in the future, you destroyed it?  That in killing the one man you thought would bring an end to that perfect utopian _dream_ of yours, you killed your only chance of achieving it?

You are Senshi, Guardian of the wielder of Selene's Tear, Seed of Hope and Avatar of Light, The High Princess Serenity of the White Moon, Daughter of Queen Serenity of the Silver Millennium.  You are Senshi, Hope of Earth's people, Enemy of Evil, Bringers of Peace.  You are Senshi, destroyers of the Heart, Murderers of Dreams.

You are Senshi.

You protected me, as you protect Earth and her people.  You are Senshi.  You bring hope to all those in danger, just as you had brought hope to us, to our love, once.  You are Senshi.  You destroyed my heart, my faith, killed my dreams…killed it when you allowed him to be killed.

You are Senshi.

And I was the High Princess Serenity, heiress of Selene's Tear, of Selene's Children, the Silver Millennium.  I was Serenity, the lover and bride of Endymion.  I was Usagi, the daughter of two Earth's children, the blind eyes of innocence, the child of purity.  I was Sailor Moon, the leader of the Senshi, falsely believed to be the Messiah of Light.   I was an unknown soul, searching for someone I couldn't find in my world, but found in another.  I was truly the Messiah of Light, finally content and at peace, lover of my dear General Nakago, and I was truly loved.  I was cursed, lost and tortured, forced to forever remember my lost kindred soul, my lost heart, my lost lover of true love's time.  I was never Queen, never the bringer of a perfect dream, a Utopia of Crystal.  I am….

Nothing.  I am a wandering half-spirit, in search of the one she lost and shall not have back in this time.  I am the curséd nothing, forever to wander this life knowing that I can never be happier, that I can never be with him until the very end.

I am Me.

A lost imperfection.

Slowly, Usagi stood up, turning to finally face her Senshi, showing them the result of their attempts of a Dream never to come true.

And the Senshi gasped, finally seeing their creation, the creation that was once their friend, but now a nameless shadow, truly imperfect.

"I am me, a lost imperfection."  Usagi repeated, more to herself than to them, and suddenly, she let out a strangled laugh.  The Senshi stepped back, unsure of what to do, of what to make of the shadow of their friend.

"I am me, a lost imperfection."  Usagi sang morbidly, almost childishly as she twirled around, the bright moon in the now night sky illuminating her empty eyes eerily.

"I am me, a lost imperfection."  She sang again almost happily, sounding like a child and Death, her voice sounding relaxed in a crazed sense.

"I am me, a lost…" She stopped, and faced the Senshi once again.

"I am me, I am lost.  I am me….your creation…I am me…." She smiled at them, her smile emptily sweet.

"I am me." She walked towards them, and they stepped back, continuing to back away from the person they had destroyed with their desire, stepping back from the princess that they had promised to protect, yet had killed in all the ways that truly counted.  They stepped back until they could step back no more, their backs pressed against the car they had managed to squeeze into and driven in.

Three steps away from them, she stopped.

"I am me."  She sighed, the crying stars behind her in the velvet stage of the sky, the moon a comforting companion.  A breeze blew by, warm and sweet, free.

"I am me," And she suddenly dropped before them, her eyes suddenly much more peaceful than they had been in a long time, her smile, content.  "I am a lost imperfection," Her eyes began to droop, her smile, more relaxed.

"A lover lost," Her eyes remained half opened in a contented position, her lips, pulled into a serene she had finally found.

"A soul, found."  And she breathed her last with her final words.

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Disclaimer:  Don't own either shows.

**Note- I know she calls Mamoru Mamo-chan, but I made her call him Mamo-kun because I feel it shows she isn't as close to him as she once was.

-Selene's Tear refers to the Silver Crystal, and if I create another spin to this story (which I'm thinking of) it'll be explained there.

If you're confused….just think about it…..if you're still confused…well….then use your imagination.  ^^;; Hehe.  I'm trying to get back into writing, so I'm writing anything that comes into mind (however how awful) in order to hopefully get back.  Hehe…well, review and lemme know.  Who knows, I might decide to continue…ja!  And remember: Review is always a nice source of inspiration.


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